What I Want
by lackam
Summary: Elrohir must find the courage to choose his fate.


Title: What I Want  
Author: Amber

Beta: Oli  
Rating: G  
Characters: Elrohir, Elrond  
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Tolkien; I am just borrowing them.  
Timeline: Fourth Age, with flashbacks to the First and Third ages.

Summary: Elrohir has to decide what he wants for himself.

Elrohir sat hidden in the upper branches of a Mallorn hoping he would remain unseen. He needed time alone to think. He and Elladan had followed their sister from Gondor and watched as she prepared herself for what lay ahead. She would call them to her to say goodbye when the time came but wanted to be left alone until then. With her death impending, he knew the extra time he and his brother had requested to make their choice was ending. Celeborn had already informed them that upon completion of the burial rites for their sister they were to report to him and be ready to declare then. They could wait no longer.

As he sat in the tree he contemplated his memories. He and his brother had always been very close and had pledged to make the same choice many years ago. As the time drew near, he realized that what was once pledged could hinder him in obtaining what he truly wanted. Elladan, like Arwen, would choose to the fate of the Second-born for love. He had met a young woman at one of the ranger's farms and fell totally in love with her the last time they had visited just before the summons had come to ride for Gondor. He also had always ordered their world to his preferences where he could and resisted when he couldn't. He was a person of action and was only happy if he was doing something, or things were changing around him. He had always been this way but it had intensified when their mother had sailed causing conflict with their father.

He himself had been content living this way for many years and had never questioned the choice his brother had made for them. But his reaction to their mother's sailing had left him feeling different. Never before had they been so close to one who had to sail or die. Sure they had been close to the Rangers and their constant deaths but they had never had to deal with it personally. It was something that happened to others. When his world was turned up-side-down from her sailing, he began to question life more and pay more attention to the actual lives of those around him.

Elrohir began to realize that he was not the man that he and his brother pretended to be away from home. He slowly realized that maybe he was different than his brother after all. He wanted time to live without all of the constant fighting, and enjoy it. He wanted to read and write poetry. He wanted to practice the painting he had given up after their mother had sailed. He wanted to study and debate with others of like knowledge. He wanted to sit and play his harp for hours and not have it considered wasted time. He found that he wanted time to simply rest and contemplate everything. His rage was gone and he wanted the time to repair all of the damaged relationships he had thrown away, especially with his father.

He finally had to admit to himself that he was different from his brother and wanted very different things. As an elf he had lived with the unconscious acceptance of having all the time in the world to do whatever he wanted. That had changed when his father had sailed. Even as he had watched the ship sail away, he had thought there was time. Now there was no more time and even the mystery of the Second-born's fate held no appeal for him. If he chose to be counted among the Second-born, his time was short and he could never do what he wanted. He wanted to be an elf; and therein lay the problem. Did he have the courage that it would take to do what he wanted, or would he yield to the promise to his brother made long ago?

As he sat there trying to answer that question, Elrohir remembered the night his father had revealed to him the circumstances surrounding his own choice. It had happened quite by accident about a century after their mother had sailed, on what he was later to learn was the anniversary of his uncle Elros's death. He and Elladan had been gone for about 20 years this time and had only returned for fresh supplies and mounts since they happened to be in the area. After eating a late dinner in the kitchen, he had gone to the Hall of Fire to hear updates on what had been going on in the valley. His brother had not been interested and had turned in for the night. Arwen had moved to Lothlorien to live with their grandparents, so he didn't foresee staying in the Hall long.

As he listened to the talk it had slowly dawned on him that while his father did much to ease everyone else's lives, he received nothing in return. The more he listened, the more he realized that his father always gave and no one seemed to be returning the favor. Sure Glorfindel was mentioned as being his father's shadow, but that had always been the case and his watching was done from a distance. For some reason this disturbed him. He and his father had never quarreled like Elladan and he did, as a matter of fact their relationship was good if distant. Disturbed by what he was hearing and his own reactions to it, he left for a walk in the gardens.

Unable to find any answers after roaming for several hours, he decided that there was something happening he did not know about and that he could worry about it later. He and his brother were leaving in the morning and he needed to get some sleep so he would not be weary in the saddle. He decided to take a short-cut back to the family wing by cutting through his father's study. The last thing he expected was to find his father there sitting before the fire with several empty bottles on the floor around him. As he stopped in surprise and stared for a moment, he father startled him by speaking to him.

"Look well and heed the consequences of your choice," Elrond said to him.

It was then that his curiosity overwhelmed him and he asked his father about the circumstances surrounding his choice. While he knew this was a painful subject that his father did not talk about, he felt a burning desire to know the truth. After several minutes of silence, he turned to leave thinking his father was refusing to answer or had not heard his question.

He was surprised when his father began to talk then. He told Elrohir about being as close to his brother as his sons were and how they had pledged at an even earlier age to never be parted. He told of how they were part of the Edain forces during the War of Wrath and how he learned much about himself at this time. Then he told about how his brother and he had been summoned by Eonwe to the Vala's camp after the fighting was over. He told of the choices they were given and how they had until the third day to declare before him their choice.

Everyone had expected them both to choose to be counted among the Second-born he told me; after all, had not all their ancestors been mortal. Even Elros did not question this and he believed in the pledge they had taken to make the same choice. Only he, Elrond, had really questioned being mortal. As he actively thought about it while doing his chores about the camp, he realized that perhaps he was not a mortal for he wanted a vastly different life. With no one to consult, he had to make his choice without all the information he needed. He also realized that if he did break the pledge with his brother, he would have to walk his path totally alone. His decision would cause much pain to others. He also instinctively knew that making the choice to be an elf would mean a life of sacrifice and endurance for him.

My father went silent then as I watched him open another bottle. I took this time to move around to his side as I had remained listening behind him the whole time before. As I sat in the chair to his right, I noticed the tears streaming down his face. I had never seen my father cry before, and I never wish to again it disturbed me so deeply. Waiting patiently for my father to continue his story, I sat and assessed his condition. He was not in good shape. Always before, my father had looked really well just slightly older than the average elf. Now, he was thin and haggard looking. I was shocked by the change for now he looked like a mortal after a hard winter of depravity. Finally he began again.

He told of how three days later they stood again before Eonwe and others of his kind to declare their choice. Elros went first as he was always the more forward of the two. He declared that they both chose to be counted among the Second-born. Eonwe told Elros that he could not declare for me but that they would have to hear my choice from my own lips. He then told Elros that he would be granted an elongated life and that these years would also be granted to his descendants even though they would be bound by his choice. He was told that he would lead the Edain to a home that was being created for them and be their first King. Elros was happy and could not wait to turn to me and hear what I would receive after declaring my choice.

Then Eonwe had asked me for my choice, he said. Silence reigned as I struggled with myself to find the courage to become what I knew I was supposed to be. Finally I just took the plunge and declared that I wanted to be counted among the Firstborn. Shocked silence reigned until my brother exploded in anger and began to yell at me. Eonwe silenced him with several words then turned to me. I was told that I would be granted great wisdom and knowledge but that any children I had would be presented with this same choice. When I realized that this was all, I turned and stumbled from the tent only to have my brother catch up to me within a few steps. His anger had not dissipated and he sneered at me and told me he was glad that I received nothing but what one would normally gain as they grew older. He said that he wanted nothing further to do with one who was untrustworthy and broke a pledge. He walked away as I collapsed from the pain of our link being severed. I have been paying for my choice my entire life, my father said before he went silent. Then Glorfindel was there leading my father from the room and to bed. I have no idea how long he was in the room before he made his presence known for I had not heard him enter, but I will always remember the piecing look he gave me that seemed to go right through me into my deepest, darkest corner.

I think of all of this as I hide in the Mallorn day after day afraid to face anyone. I think about the fact that my father had been different from the normal elf. He looked slightly older that the average elf, had rounded ears tips, and a slight olive tone to his skin that left him looking as if he had a tan even in mid-winter. As far as I knew, he had always been treated differently. I thought about the other differences in strength and abilities that others knew not about but I did. I realize that while my father had been granted the grace of the firstborn and all acknowledged that, he had always been treated with reservation. Then I considered how my brother and I had been treated. We looked totally Elvin except for a slightly less pointed ear, and we had all of the other traits of elves only we were stronger. We had been accepted as elves from an early age and only treated differently by the Rangers and a small handful of extremely prejudice elves. I began to realize just how much courage my father had to have had to exist in a world where he would always be considered an outsider. Did I have that strength?

I hid and contemplated these facts for a month while Arwen prepared herself. It was a blessing that Elladan just thought I was hiding to avoid the pestering about my choice. He had taken to hiding in his own way to avoid the questions also. Then the day came when Arwen called us to her side. We stayed with her for an hour after our grandfather left her side before she asked us to leave. We watched from the tree line as she lay down and ceased. We waited all afternoon, and then held her funeral ceremony. Afterwards, grandfather approached.

"The time has come, you have two hours to clean up and prepare yourself. Be back here then, ready to declare your choice before me and the Vala." He said before walking away.

My brother and I just looked at each other and nodded.

"It is time we get this over with and get on with our lives. I have things to do," Elladan said as we headed back to our quarters to clean up. I agreed with him without letting him know of my unrest. I had done a good job of keeping my feelings about my choice from becoming known to him partly because he believed that the turmoil he felt from me was because of Arwen. She and I had always been close and in the end I think she knew the truth of my wants.

When we came back to the circle we were surprised to find all of the elves from my grandfather's people there. Evidently, this was to be a public declaration. This made me apprehensive and things did not become better when Radagast appeared beside Celeborn. Seeing our questions in our eyes, it was he who explained what was to come.

"I am the Valar's witness to your choice," he said. "All will witness your choice as everyone will be leaving the forest here directly afterward. Most will travel to the Haven's where Cirdan awaits them with the last ships, while others will be going their own ways from here.

My brother and I were directed into the middle of a circle facing Radagast. Then he asked Elladan for his choice.

"We choose to be counted among the Second-born," he declared.

"You can only declare for yourself Elladan; we must here Elrohir's choice from his own lips. The Valar acknowledge your choice and have granted it. You will have a long lifespan in the eyes of the Second-born and be considered a great Lord by them. Elrohir, what is your choice?" Radagast asked as others nodded in acceptance of his choice.

My brother turned to me and in my mind's eye I saw a replay of my father's story. As the silenced stretched, I suddenly knew that I did have the courage. My choice was different because I wasn't my father, but me. I would not have to make the same sacrifices as he made, or be treated as he was, because he had already sacrificed for me. Realizing that my life depended on my choices not someone else's, I took the chance to grab what I wanted.

"I wish to be counted among the Firstborn, like my father," I declared in a loud voice.

I felt the joy of the Valar then as they accepted my choice. I will always remember the look of shock on my brother's face that I saw before I felt the darkness descend as my link with my brother was broken.

I woke some time later to see my father kneeling at my side with a said smile about his face. Looking around, I realized we were on a dock and that my grandparents were behind my father locked in a passionate kiss. I realized that I was in Aman and had missed sailing completely. I saw my mother kneeling on my other side; she was holding a letter. It was addressed to me in my brother's handwriting. I just stared at the letter afraid to read what it would say. Then I realized that it didn't matter what it said, I had made my choice of my own free will. I would read it later in privacy and deal with it then, there were other more important things for now as I gazed upon the healed being of my mother. Then I looked back to my father and into his eyes and saw the question there.

"It was what I wanted," I quietly told him as he pulled me into his arms for a hug before lifting me and carrying me to his horse.

Finis


End file.
